everyday.
it feels like i’m losing you more and more; piece by fucking piece. i guess you can say i’m going through that stage of depression where i’m irritable, angry, and scared. i don’t want to lose you. i know, i probably sound pathetic. writing about you. constantly. complaining about how i don’t have you. and how i screwed up. this is what you’re doing to me. it’s driving me insane.
today as i took my usual smoke break during school, i watched the sunset. and for some strange reason, i reminisced about laying with you. tracing the features of your face as you slept. i cried a little inside, knowing there’s a possibility that, that’ll never happen ever again. another part of me was happy, knowing i got to experience a love like ours.
i hope i could be in love one day as much as i was in love with you.
i want to be the one
who breaks down the stereotypical love. the stereotypical-prince-saves-damsel-in-distress-type love. i can’t tell the future or anything, but i don’t ever want to be the ‘damsel in distress’ waiting for a prince to ride over to sweep me off my feet. that’s a no-no! i want to be able to meet him halfway, and vice versa.
a wise man once told me, in relationships - you give 70% and you only expect 30%. i guess you can say i overlooked that a little. because the more you get, the more you expect - right? that should never be the case. that’s what you call selfish. but i could never forget what he said. therefore, i know i have faults in my past relationship. and there was nothing for me to do besides prove to him i could change. but you can’t really show improvement or change to someone who isnt interested in being with you anymore.. is there?
as much pride as i had, i couldn’t admit how selfish i was. i was though. doesn’t everybody believe they deserve a good partner? but not everyone thinks about being a good partner before being able to deserve a good partner.
thanks for all these life lessons. i’m sure they’ll lead me somewhere better in the future or maybe they’ll lead me closer to you someday..
it’s pretty ironic
how the things you tend to pretend to not care about, are the things you care and think about the most.
for me, it’s you.
i can’t help but think about you. it’s always been that way. there aren’t enough cigarettes and booze in the world to keep my mind away from thoughts about you. this is unhealthy.
i haven’t been getting good sleep in lately. or much sleep, at all.
let’s just say, i’ve been stressing myself out - trying hard to over-occupy my time. but, i guess you can say it’s healthy? haha. i’ve done all my hw, all my school stuff due within the next 2 weeks; my saunder’s practice n-clex, my online ati, my bookwork from ati, my case study, my drug reports, everything! lol, i’m driving myself insane.
i’ve finally cleaned out everything that was under my bed. i did my laundry. organized my closet. cleaned out my purses. lol, seriously doing all i can to feel comfortable. or tired. just so i can sleep. if i’m not sleeping i’m thriving for something to occupy my time.
i like school though. well, now that i transferred into this new class of mine, i like the learning environment. i feel like i’m soaking in things better. although there was complications within our class, i’m glad i got to speak up infront of the class and explain how i felt about the ‘situation’. since then, things have been slightly better. since the class has already been in the worst situation ever, i hope that it only gets better from here.
i still miss you.
i guess it’s safe to say,
i was never really, fully over you.
as much as i told myself i was, as much as i told myself relationships aren’t for me, and as much as i told myself i didn’t believe in love - a part of me wanted to let you back into my life and another part of me just had too much pride and didn’t want to get hurt anymore.
i said hurtful things to you. i told you to get over me and that i didn’t believe in love. only so you can move on and be happy without me. i felt like i was the poison to your life. intoxicating your social life, your education, even your family. i didn’t want to be the blame of everything going wrong in your life anymore. i hated feeling like all i did for you was create problems.
when i finally came back from my annual “summer vacation” in antioch, i finally got the time to sit with myself and really think about what i wanted in my life. we still weren’t talking but, i thought about you a lot. i had a lot of drunken nights just taking shots to myself thinking about you and i. i think that’s why subconsciously, it finally got to me and god sent me a “sign” lol.
the “sign” god sent me was a dream. i’ve felt pretty self conscious about this dream because it’s pretty cliché. honestly, i’ve only confided in one person about this dream (monica of course, cause she’s not there making me feel like i’m crazy for having dreams like this) but this is me letting my guard down.. basically, i had a dream where my grandpa pointed to a picture and as i walked closer and closer to the picture, the picture became clearer. soon enough, the picture was clear enough for me to see that it was a picture of you and i.
i know it sounds crazy. i feel crazy just thinking about it. haha.
since that dream woke me up in the middle of the night around 3-4am, i called you right away. i called you once - rang with a beep (indicating you were on the phone already). i tried calling again - rang with a beep (you were still on the phone). I called again - rang with a beep (you were still on the phone and you ignoring my calls). i called again - rang with a beep (you were on the phone, ignoring my calls, and probably asleep.
“who am i kidding?” ..knowing exactly who you were on the phone with. but before i put myself back to sleep that night i told myself that as long as you were happy, i’d be happy for you. even if that meant i was too late.
the next morning you called me and told me exactly what i already knew. i tried to not let it get to me but my pride got in the way again, and i tried to avoid what i called so urgently about early that morning. but i set my pride aside and told you the jist of why i called. and how i wanted to try to be with you again.
this is when you reminded me how much i hurt you. how you spent 4+ months hurting while i “paraded” around in antioch. then you questioned “why all of a sudden?” and “what made you change your mind?” and honestly, how am i supposed to answer questions like that? i tried justifying myself. i poured my heart out to you but you couldn’t accept it because i did the same to you for 4+ months.
i don’t blame you. you were just getting the hang of “getting over” me. hell, you even started occupying yourself by talking to the person i knew you’d run to. but, this time i’m happy for you.
if ever you end up seeing this, or even if you never ever see this, i hope you know - i’m happy that i’m not occupying your thoughts, hurting you, or poisoning your life. from the most honest deepest pit in the bottom of my heart, i hope you’re honestly happy. and continue to be.
all in all, it was a good run but i think it’s time for us to go on with our lives. and if ever we run into each other or our path’s cross, maybe then we can be together. maybe then we can have something more beautiful than what we already had.
