i feel as if the world is shifting.
i haven’t wrote anything in here in a while. i’ve neglected you tumblr. i always do that and i’m sincerely sorry ):
i keep telling myself that happiness shouldn’t be gained at someone else’s expense. and i don’t want to feel happy because i know it’s at someone else’s expense. i feel like.. i can’t enjoy these feelings until everything has been handled and situated.
you and i have had an endless amount of mistakes within the perimeters of our relationship and beyond. looking back at all these old posts.. i still mean everything i’ve said. no matter what happened whether it was between you and i, or you and her.
i’ve heard from a couple people that if i go back, i’ll look stupid as fuck. but, i could really care less. i’m not afraid to look stupid. i’m not afraid to fight for us. if anything, that motivates me even more to prove to people that we were meant for one another.
it’s not even that i’m ina hurry to rush into anything serious. because that’s not the case. i’m happy you have emphasized to me how you want to take things slow because i completely agree. a fresh new start. leaving every negative thing behind and starting fresh. although a “fresh start” is hard to believe because i’ve never seen it work in anyone’s favor really.. but i believe if we work hard, pace ourselves, and are both open minded to the idea - it’ll work out in our favor.
do you understand how long i sat back for you? lol. all i could tell myself is “i can be happy without him.” and slowly but surely, i was happy. i may have been happy but in the back of my mind you were always there. it hurt like hell to know that you were happy with someone else. at first i felt like my life was over, hahaha (not to sound over dramatic or anything) but i took the advice you gave me before you stopped talking to me. i sang to myself. i sang to myself everyday. at the top of my lungs. haha, i guess that’s why i listen to my music soo loud in my car… to drown out my own voice hahaha. but yeah. i started to be happy. without you. i started to talk to different dudes.. and get to know other people. i never really pushed myself far with any dude because.. i didn’t want to be that girl. because i’m not. on top of all that, i wasn’t going to make the same mistake in rushing into something the way i did with you. after being on my own for such a long time, i have kind of embedded it into my mind that i don’t have time for a relationship. or even talk to anyone. i told myself that and even told those who tried to pursue me. that ”i’m a busy girl. don’t really have time to entertain anyone.” because i solely wanted to focus on getting myself to feel closer to my goal of becoming independent. a part of me wanted to fully move on and experience new things, but a more dominant part of me was waiting for you. i mean, i did have the opportunity to experience new things with a different person.. but i guess i had such a tough defense mechanism up for myself that i wasn’t willing to tear down any barrier that i worked soo hard to build for myself. so i believe taking everything slow will work out in everyone’s favor.
i believe you and i have grown up. we’ve changed. for the better. well, i know i definitely have. and it makes me happy to know how proud you are of me. i think you and i have matured enough to make shit work. whether work for us to stay best friends or become whatever we become.
moral of the story is.. though we put eachother through so much, patience is a virtue. because the time we gave one another help us grow as individuals to perfectly fit in with one another as best friends. we’ve become more understanding to one another and we’re better leveled with one another. i think it’s too soon to say “i’m happy” because like i said, i don’t like the idea of gaining happiness at someone else’s expense. but i definitely feel like everything is falling into place for me.
another update is i have job now and i’m happy that i work with great people. saving up is my main priority or possibly helping my parents with my sallie mae loan for my tuition. my final for med surge is in two weeks and i feel like i can spank the fuck outta the final. hahaha.
i believe that is all (?)
ps. i will update this more because i got the iphone 4s and the app for the iphone shits on the blackberry one.
